Odds and Ends
by Mechconstrictor
Summary: These are just short stories that I have written. They may be expanded on in the future, or maybe not. They will mostly be humorous. None have been read by a beta and will not be unless they are expanded.
1. Marshmallow Madness

Marshmallow Madness

This is in response to a request by Ez. He wanted something like it and this is what I came up with. It might be expanded on in the future. Anything in this section has not been read by a beta and will not unless I expand on it. Hate it, Like it, your choice. I'm just writing it for my humour.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Ghostbusters.

* * *

Outside Hogsmeade

"Harry, wait up," cried Ron as he stumbled on a loose piece of rock. He now knew how his food felt when he was eating. "Don't leave me to die!"

"Confringo," Harry said as he swung his wand around and watched the blasting curse tear a chunk out of the leg of the creature chasing them. "Get up! Run!"

When Ron finally caught up to him, he chanced a look back at the creature. To his horror, the wound he inflicted was healing. "Damn," he muttered. "This is so not happening. I must be dreaming or something. Fred and George must have laced my drink."

"Less talking and more running," screamed Hermione as she re-joined them. "Head for that cave. We can hide there. He's too big to fit in. I hope."

The trio made it into the cave just as the creature came around the bend. "You know," Ron breathed. "If I wasn't so scared, I'd be hungry. What is that thing anyway? I mean, here we are walking around Hogsmeade and that thing shows up."

"Stay Puft," Harry said as he peaked out of the cave. "I think he missed us. He seems to be heading off into the forest."

"Stay Puft?" Ron said in confusion. "What's that?"

"Honestly Ron," berated Hermione. "I don't know how wizards survive while isolating themselves from the rest of the world. Stay Puft is a fictional character from the film Ghostbusters. It is…"

"What's a film," Ron interrupted. "And is a Ghostbuster something like that dustbuster my dad has in his shed?"

"Can I kill him," Hermione begged in frustration. "Please. I'll do whatever you want."

"Not yet," Harry said with a smile. "We still need him. He can be a distraction while we run."

"Hey," protested Ron. "Why do I have to be the distraction? Anyway, I'm hungry."

"Only you," Hermione said as she slapped her face.

"Don't blame me," Harry said. "You're the one engaged to him."

"Don't remind me," she said. "Anyway, where to? Hogwarts is under lockdown."

"How about Diagon Alley," Harry suggested. "We should be able to apparate there."

* * *

Diagon Alley

"What happened here," asked Ron as they looked around the carnage. There was white gooey stuff everywhere. "And what is this stuff?"

"Stay Puft was here," Harry commented. "Someone must be transporting him. There is no way he made it here that fast. And that is marshmallows."

Ron's head perked up at that. "Marshmallows? That thing is made of marshmallows? Why are we running from it?"

"For one thing, it's big," said Harry. "Second, it's trying to kill us. Three…"

Harry was cut off as a large rumbling sound stirred the birds nesting in the wreckage of Madame Malkins. "He's back."

"Run," screamed Hermione. "Ron, what are you doing? He'll step on you."

"Don't worry," Ron commented. "He's food. I've never run from food and never will."

"Get back here, you idiot."

They could only watch in horror as Ron stalked up Stay Puft and tried to bite into his foot. "He's mental. He's finally gone around the bend," said Hermione.

"Well, you chose him," Harry said.

"Don't get me started…"

"Help…," Ron screamed as Stay Puft picked him up.

"Hold on a minute," said Hermione. "I'm having a discussion with Harry."

"Ahh."

"Now, don't get me started on your choices. You're the one who hooked up with the Slytherin. I mean, what were you thinking. She was promised to Draco."

"Hey, she was very cute. I can't help that I have very good taste."

"Help me. He's trying to eat me," Ron screamed as he used his feet to push away from Stay Puft's mouth.

"One minute," Harry screamed.

"Ahh."

"Daphne Greengrass was promised to Draco."

"Yes, I know."

"And you took her virginity."

"Yes, your point?"

"Draco no longer wanted her then and you had to pay her family a large compensation plus the agreement to marry her."

"And where is the down side here? I have lots of money and I am engaged."

"Urrgh. You can be so aggravating sometime."

"Noooo."

They turned back just in time to see Stay Puft swallow Ron.

"That's going to give him indigestion," Harry said.

"How could you say that," Hermione said shocked. "He was your best friend."

"And your point was?" he said. "Now I'm afraid that your time is up."

"What…"

She was cut off as Harry banished her into the waiting mouth of Stay Puft who promptly swallowed her.

"Thanks Luna," Harry yelled.

Upon hearing him, Stay Puft began to morph until it took the form of a young human female with blonde hair. "No problem. I don't often get the chance to change into my animagus form. Though I do believe you were right when you said Ron would give me indigestion. Hope you have a good wedding."

* * *

Greengrass Manor

"It's done," Harry said. "They are gone."

"How'd you do it," asked Daphne's mother. "Throw them off cliff?"

"No, Stay Puft ate them," Harry said. "Now that I have completed my part of the bargain, I wish to get married today."

The End


	2. Lemon Crunch

Lemon Crunch

This also is in response to a request by Ez. I kinda based it off the old movie Killer Tomatoes.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

Speaking- "Test"  
Thought- _"Test"  
_Lemon drop thoughts- **"Test."**

* * *

Hogwarts Dungeon

"Blast him," cursed Snape as he emptied out the bag of lemon drops the old man gave him. "Take these, he says. Make them better, he says. I'll show him. I'll make them so sour that his face stays scrunched up. Maybe then I can get some rest."

His day had gone from bad to worse in a matter of hours. First, Potter blows up is cauldron and covers the entire room in whatever it was it was brewing. Sure wasn't a headache potion. Then the old man calls him to his office asks him to create a better lemon drop. He says he has grown tired of his regular ones. "If it's not Potter, it's the old man."

Now Snape in his tired state failed to realize a simple fact. He was breaking one of his own rules. Never brew your potions in the same room that your students use. You never know what might happen. Due to this oversight he failed to notice when a glob of the stuff Potter created fell into his boiling cauldron.

"I'll add one lemon drop and see how it turns out," Snape said as he plucked one into the cauldron.

As he withdrew his hand from above the cauldron another gob of Potter's potion fell onto his hand. "What," he said alarmed as he looked up. "This can't be good. Potter…"

Whatever he was going to say was cut off as the cauldron exploded.

Slowly dragging himself up, he looked at the destruction caused. The entire room was in shambles. When he found Potter, he would ensure the boy begged for death.

As he stalked off to find the blasted boy he failed to see the slightly larger lemon drop attach itself to his pant's leg.

* * *

Hallway

"Severus, are you alright," asked Dumbledore as he ran into him in the hallway. "The wards alerted me to an explosion in your classroom."

"I'm fine, it's your golden boy that you have to worry about."

"Harry?"

"How many other golden boys do we have here? Yes Harry!" he screamed. "Because of his incompetence, my classroom is in ruins. My potions are ruined."

"He's just a boy," smiled Dumbledore. "I'm sure it was just an accident. If we go and find him, I'm sure he will apologize."

"I don't care anymore," he yelled. "I've had it with him. You will not coddle him anymore."

"Now, now," Dumbledore said as he tried to placate his potions professor. The man was likely to have a heart attack if he kept this up. "Let's go find Mr. Potter and discuss this like men."

"I'll discuss it," Snape muttered.

"By the way, did you finish my lemon drops?"

Snape's left eyebrow twitched at the thought the disaster that occurred because of those thrice damned lemon drops. "No."

"Oh well, maybe next time."

They both failed to notice the excess magic rolling off Snape being absorbed by the lemon drop still attached to his leg. While the potion disaster gave the lemon drop life, Snape's magic was making it sentient.

"There will be no next time," Snape snarled. "I refuse to go anywhere near those things again. Those muggle sweets are disgusting."

"You've never had any," Dumbledore said as he popped one in his mouth. "They are most excellent."

Now one might think that a lemon drop would not care about another one being eaten. But I ask you this, have you ever come across a sentient lemon drop, and one given life by Snape no less. If not, let me tell you, they are pretty particular about being eaten. So of course the only sentient lemon drop took offence to Dumbledore eating what it considered family, however distant.

"If I ever see another one, I'll personally shove down the Dark Lords throat. They are vile creations."

The lemon drop, upon hearing his declaration, decided that it needed to get away from these violent and hardened criminals. Taking the opportunity it jumped from Snape to a passing student.

* * *

Two weeks later

"Albus," persisted Professor McGonagall. "You can't be serious about keeping the school open. Over thirty students and four professors have gone missing. And that's not counting Voldemort and his Death Eaters. We know they got in the castle, but we can't find them."

"All will be fine," he insisted as he sucked on another lemon drop. "We shall catch the culprit."

"Culprit? We don't even know who or what it is," she screamed. "We should close the school down."

"I'll tell you what," he said in a soothing manner. "You go back to your rooms and play with that new stand you got and I will take a nice refreshing walk through the castle and see what I can discover."

"Fine," she snapped. "See if I care."

* * *

Astronomy Tower

"Why does she worry so much," Dumbledore muse aloud. "The students must have snuck out of school and the professors are just on an early vacation."

Creak

"I mean it's not like there is some giant monster in the castle. Harry killed it back in his second year."

Creak

"If there was a monster, I wouldn't be up here in this dark tower all alone."

Creak

"There would probably be some creature following me like that thing behind me."

Creak

"_Wait a minute,"_ he thought. _"Behind me? This can't be good."_

Creak

Turning around he met sight that bewildered him. _"A giant lemon Drop? Maybe Minerva was right. I might be eating too many sweets in my old age. Really, a lemon drop with hands and feet."_

Creak

"Hello," he called uncertainly. "How are you today?"

Creak

"Are you lost?" he called again. "I can direct you to the nearest candy store. Or perhaps you are a gift for me?"

The creaking sound kept getting louder as the creature got closer.

Another thought came to mind, "You wouldn't by chance be the reason behind my missing students and professors, would you?"

"Arrrgh."

"I'll take that as a yes," he said. "Would you mind telling me where they are and where you came from?"

"Arrrgh. Leeeeee"

"No, I'm Albus Dumbledore, not Lee," he said drawing his wand. "Now I must insist you tell me where they are."

"Leeeeem."

"No, not Lee. It's Albus Dumbledore."

"Lemon drop killer," the creature finally managed to roar.

"Me? A killer," said Dumbledore shakily. He didn't like where this was heading. "I'm going to have to ask that you stay where you are. No, don't come any closer. Bombarda. Confringo."

Upon seeing that his spells had little effect upon the creature, he decided that retreating was the better part valor at the moment. _"Thing must have skin like a manticore."_

The thing was fast for something its size. Dumbledore chanced a glance behind him only to see the thing right on heels. Hoping to make it to his office, he neglected to watch where he was running which led to him tripping over Snape.

"Watch out," Snape snarled. He was in no mood to deal with anyone, even Dumbledore.

"Sorry my boy," Dumbledore said as he hurried to get up. "Would you mind standing right here for the next few seconds? Thanks."

"What," Snape demanded as he watched Albus retreat to his office. "What's going on!"

"Arrrgh. Nastyyyy Mannnn."

"Now you hold…." Snape started as he turned around. "Merlin, this is going to hurt."

The creature swiped at Snape with of its oversized hands. **"Where did bad human go," **it thought. **"It was right here. Oh well, my issue is with the killer."**

It continued up the hallway, not even stopping to move the statue guarding the entrance. Smashing the statute, it climbed up the steps, growing more excited as it neared its target. It would avenge its brothers and sisters.

* * *

Dumbledore's Office

He had made it. His office would keep him safe until the creature was dealt with. _"I'm sure Harry will take care of it."_

Thump

"What?"

Thump

"Sounds like a battering ram."

His thoughts were stopped as the lemon drop crashed through the last wall. "Killer."

"Now you just hold on," he said. "I've never killed a lemon drop. Bombarda." Nothing was working. Charms, curses, and transfiguration all failed.

The giant lemon drop leaned forward, ignoring the spells being cast and grabbed Dumbledore by the waist.

"_Now I know what my lemon drops must feel like."_

The creature slowly hefted Dumbledore into its open mouth. Swallowing, he cut off the last screams for help the killer was making.

* * *

"Professor McGonagall," Harry called. "The Headmaster is missing. I went to his office and there is this large hole leading up to it. His office is a wreck and there is this large hole leading outside."

"Wait here," she ordered. "I'll check it out."

Harry neglected to mention that he thought he was seeing things.

­_Flashback_

_As Harry was walking to the Headmaster's office he heard screams for help coming from the ceiling. Usually that was just peeves or one of the twins but this time the voice sounded familiar._

"_Get me down. Potter, I know you can hear me. Get me down. I know this somehow your fault. Get me down."_

_Looking up he saw Professor Snape stuck to the ceiling covered in some sticky yellow goo. "I gonna pretend that I didn't see that," he said. "I have to get out in the sun more."_

The end


	3. Essence of Succubus

Essence of Succubus

Disclaimer: I do not own anything here.

None of these have been read by a beta and will not unless I choose to expand on them. This is an idea that came to me and I just had to write it. It's just a humour fic. For the express purpose of those who wish to know the pairing, it's Harry/Pansy.

* * *

Lower Dungeons

"Will it do as you say," Ginny asked again. "Will it make me look better? Will it win me Harry's heart?"

"It'll do everything I said and more," Pansy said with a smirk. "I assure you. Just drink the potion and you will have the man of your dreams."

"Thanks," Ginny said as she started to leave.

"Hold on," Pansy said as she grabbed her arm. "My payment"

"Oh yeah," Ginny said. "Hear it is."

* * *

Unused Classroom

"Finally," Ginny cheered. "He'll be mine. Once I take this, Harry will not be able to resist me."

Unbeknownst to her, two pairs of eyes watched as she downed the potion. The taller of the two began to raise his wand when the shorter one stopped him. Whispering, "Wait, she must fully change before we can stun her."

"Arrrgh," she screamed as her body felt like it was turning inside out. Her only thoughts were that the pain better be worth it.

Slowly getting up, she looked into the mirror and saw her reflection. "Merlin, it worked. Harry will never be able to resist me now that I have the allure of a Veela. He will be mine."

"Stupefy," the taller one finally cast. They two watched as Ginny fell to the ground.

"Are you sure the potion will work like we planned," asked the taller shadow.

"Yes Potter, I'm sure," Pansy said. "I brewed it just like the book said. When she wakes up, she will be attracted to the first man she sees."

"Let's get started then," Harry smirked. "We don't want to disappoint her future love."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were a Slytherin."

* * *

Outside Riddle Manor

After using the portkey Pansy stole from her father, they deposited Ginny at the outer edge of the wards. "Let's get this party started," Harry said as he cast numerous random spells.

Working like he planned, Deatheaters appeared casting spells in every direction until they noticed that they were the only ones standing. "Must have been a false alarm," Malfoy said. "Let's go back."

"Over here," cried Nott. "I got a body. It's a Weasley from the looks of it. Who cast Stupefy? We were aiming to kill, not stun."

"Doesn't matter, bring her," Malfoy said. "We'll bring her back and let the master wake her."

* * *

Riddle Manor- Throne Room

"What's the meaning of this," roared Voldemort as he saw the body of Ginny Weasley being floated in. "How did she find us?"

"We left her stunned so you could question her yourself, mi lord," bowed Malfoy.

"Crucio," intoned Voldemort. "Next time question her before you bring her before me. Ennervate."

"Where am I," said as she tried to get up. "Where's Harry?"

"I will be asking the questions around here," Voldemort said.

Upon looking into Voldemort's eyes, Ginny forgot all about Harry and felt in her heart that she had found her soul mate. "Tommy," she cried. "I'm home. I came back to you."

"Uh," Voldemort said confused. This was not how his victims usually acted. They were usually begging for mercy.

"Take me," she begged as she tried to undress him.

"Get off," he yelled as he tried to peel her off.

Snap.

"What was that," he said as he looked down. What he saw shocked him. She had managed to step on his wand and break it. "Get off now!" he roared.

"No," she insisted. "You belong to me."

"Help me," he screamed as she managed to get off his robes.

Several Deatheaters pulled her off their lord until she grabbed one of their wands and cast Engorgio on their heads. Laughing like a madwoman she dashed back to the Dark Lord, ignoring the Deatheaters as their heads continued to expand till they exploded.

"Tommy," she crooned. "Don't you love me anymore? You used to whisper sweet things to me in my first year. You told me how to amuse myself without the taint of those school boys."

"Help," he screamed again as he tried to crawl away, only to lose his pants in the process.

* * *

Shadows

"This is pretty good entertainment," Harry said as he ate some popcorn. "This really is good."

"I gotta admit Potter," Pansy said. "You managed to pull it off. You win the bet. I'm all yours."

"Excellent, but I wish to see the ending."

* * *

Throne Room

Voldemort began crying as Ginny bitch-slapped him as he continued to struggle. "Stay still. I have to show you my love."

"Help," he whimpered as she managed to get off the last of his clothing. "I promise I will reform. I will not kill or rape anyone else. Just let me go."

"Straddling the Dark Lord, she said, "Hold still. You will begin to enjoy this."

* * *

Shadows

"Should we end his suffering," asked Pansy as she fingered her wand. "This is cruel and unusual."

"Yes, it is," he said. "But let's keep it going for a little while longer. I wanna see him cry some more. Though I must admit that seeing him naked is going to give me nightmares for a long time."

"Is poor little Potter scared of the evil naked man," she cooed. "I'll protect you. Just wait until tonight and you will forget all about him. I guarantee that you will be crying my name."

* * *

Throne Room

"No," Voldemort cried as he tried to crawl away. "Please someone. Stop her."

His remaining Deatheaters could only look on in a perverse sickness as a little 6th year Gryffindor tried to take their lord as her mate.

"We can have little kiddies," she giggled. "Lots and lots of them. Of course we will have to live in my parent's home until you can get a respectable job. I'm sure my father can help with that. He is always saying that he needs more help."

"Noooooooooooooo," he cried.

Looking into the shadows, he saw two forms sitting their laughing their heads off. He knew of only one person who could be responsible for this. "Potter," he called. "Have mercy. Please end it. I don't care anymore, just get this hell-bitch off me."

* * *

Shadows

"Should we," Harry asked.

"I guess so," Pansy sighed. "The sooner we finish here, the sooner we can return to the bedroom."

* * *

Throne room

Stepping out of the shadows, Harry stunned Ginny before she figure out how to create a strap on with that candle she was holding.

Turning to Voldemort, "Your wish is my command."

They watched as the Dark Lord burned to ashes under the extreme heat from Harry's fire charm. "That ends that."

"What should we do with her," Pansy said indicating Ginny.

"Leave her and lock the door," he smirked. "The Death Eaters are all here. We just wake up and leave quickly. She can have them for all eternity."

As the two of them locked the door, they could hear screams of terror as Ginny shredded their clothes. "You know, it was a good idea to add essence of succubus instead of essence of Veela.

The End


	4. House Elf, a new species

House Elf, a new species

Summary: Where did Yoda and his kind come from? What happens when Dobby takes Harry too literally and tries to leave the planet? Nothing but humour, I hope.

A/N: Don't flame me for any grammar mistakes in this story. While there might be a few that I didn't mean to, most of them are on purpose. I tried to get Yoda's speech as best as I could and the same goes for how the house elves speak.

xxx000xxx

Privet Drive

"Master Harry Potter sir," Dobby called as soon as he popped into the bedroom. "Dobby has taken care of everything Master Harry Potter wanted Dobby to do. Does Master Harry Potter sir wish Dobby to do anything else?"

Looking up from his book, Harry could only stare in disbelief as he took in Dobby's appearance. He had told Dobby to find something to wear that went together instead of his mismatched clothes. It seems he wasn't as clear as he thought he was.

"Dobby," he slowly said. "What are you wearing?"

"Dobby did exactly as Master Harry Potter sir said," Dobby beamed. "Dobby looked all over and couldn't find anything that looked good enough. As Dobby was thinking, a big animal went buy. It was huge and had these two horns that blew smoke and a large black mouth. It was as long as a baby dragon."

"A dragon in Muggle London?" Harry mused to himself. "Can't be."

"Behind it was following all these other animals. They went into this big tent and Dobby thought they might have something to help Dobby. Inside the tent, Dobby found clothes. Big ones and small ones. Well, Dobby figured that since they had so many, they wouldn't miss one pair."

_Dobby robbed a circus_, Harry thought to himself. It does explain why he looks like a clown. "Okay, that's good. I suppose."

"What does Master Harry Potter sir want Dobby to do now?"

Feeling a headache coming on, he could only bang his head against the book he was reading. He had hoped that it would take Dobby longer to find something to wear. "Uh, Dobby? I'm kind of busy right now and need some time to go over this.

"Master…"

Thinking quickly, "I want out of here. Out of Privet Drive and away from the Dursleys."

"What can Dobby do?" the little elf asked as he wrung his hat.

"You can find me a way off this planet," Harry said with a triumphant look on his face. _That should keep him busy for a bit. There's no way he will find a way._

"Dobby will do as Master Harry Potter says," Dobby saluted before popping away.

"That was easier than I thought," Harry said before turning back to his book.

xxx000xxx

Hogwarts

"What is Dobby doing," Winky asked as she watched him run around while muttering.

"Master Harry Potter sir asked Dobby to do something and Dobby can figure out how to do it. Dobby is a bad elf."

"Then Dobby should do what little master always does. He should ask the bushy one."

"Winky is right. Dobby will do that," he said before popping away.

"Dobby is crazy," she muttered to herself.

xxx000xxx

Hermione was currently going over her homework for the third time when Dobby popped in.

"Dobby needs Master Harry Potter sirs friend help," Dobby said as he hopped from one foot to another.

Looking at the old elf, she said, "I can try. What is it you need?"

"How does one going about getting off the planet?"

Thinking the question was off, she answered nevertheless. "The muggles use a space ship to leave the planet and visit space. They…"

"Are there other places out there? Grand places for Great Wizards?"

"Uh, there might be far away. There are none in the general area of this planet."

"Where do you find a space ship?"

"Well, the best place would probably be in the United States. Their space program is the most advanced. Let me check the book though." After she managed to find the correct one and check the correct chapter, she said. "Yes, it is in the United States. More specifically, in Cape Canaveral."

"Thank you Master Harry Potter sirs friend," he said before popping away.

"I wonder why he wanted to know that," she mused. "Unless Harry wanted…no, he wouldn't do that. Would he?"

xxx000xxx

Cape Canaveral, Florida  
Two weeks later

"Why is Winky here for," she asked as she looked around. "Why must I help?"

"Because Dobby needs help and Winky is the best one to help," he said as he looked at the controls."

"Well, what is Dobby going to do about the muggles up front?" she asked. "They can't stay here."

"Once the muggles start the ship, we pop them back to the ground. Then we find a place for Master Harry Potter sir to live."

"Winky thinks this is a bad idea."

xxx000xxx

Mission Control

"Sir, the astronauts appear to be on the ground," a monitor technician said.

"Who's flying the ship then?"

xxx000xxx

Ship

"The ship is going too slow," Dobby said as he looked out the window. "Dobby will never find a new home for Master Harry Potter sir. We use magic on ship to make it go faster."

"No Dobby," she cried. She knew that magic didn't work right with muggle stuff like this. She had thrown away plenty of the stuff at Hogwarts that the students had brought and thrown away after it broke. Feeling the ship speed up, she said, "Never mind."

"This is fun," he said as he looked out another window. "Dobby will find a new home for…"

"Are we supposed to be heading for a big rock," Winky asked as she tried to curl up in her seat.

"That's easy," he said. "We just pop the ship to the other side." Snapping his fingers, the ship disappeared right before it crashed into the asteroid. Though where it re-appeared was not behind the asteroid.

xxx000xxx

A galaxy far, far away

"Dobby, where are we," Winky asked as she looked around. "We didn't pop back where we were supposed to."

"Dobby doesn't know. Dobby thinks we are far from home. Dobby…"

"Ow," Dobby said as he rubbed his head. "Why did Winky hit Dobby?'

"This is all your fault. Magic does not work with muggles stuff. Magic…"

"Look a planet. It might be nice place for Master Harry Potter sir."

"I don't think we have a choice," Winky said as she noticed as the ship heading for the planet. "I think the ship is crashing."

"That's easy," Dobby said before dodging Winky.

"No more popping the ship. We pop down to the planet."

"But the ship…"

"Ship can burn. We will pop to the planet."

xxx000xxx

Dagobah

"Dobby doesn't know what to do," he said as he looked around. Dobby can't pop home. We are too far."

Shaking her head, she said, "We make home here until help comes. Then we go home,"

xxx000xxx

Dagobah  
Many years later

"Master, are you sure this is the place. I can feel the force here, but I can't feel a force user."

"Yes Padawan, this is the place. You need to open your senses."

"Yes master…"

"What is it?"

"Over there. In the bushes."

"Hello, we come from the Jedi Order. We mean you no harm. May we approach?"

"Approach, you may," the voice said.

Approaching the unknown being, they saw that it was small and green with pointed ears. "We were sent here by our master to find a force user to take back to our temple and train."

"I'll come," the being said. "Let me gather a few things."

xxx000xxx

Privet Drive

"Dobby," Harry called for the third time. It had been four days since he had seen the little elf. "Where can he have gone?"

xxx000xxx

Dagobah

"Mother, leave I am to train," he said as he popped into the small adobe.

"What do you mean, Yoda? You can't leave. We are still trying to build a castle for the young master."

"Leave I must," Yoda said. "Out there lies my destiny is."

"Yoda," she started to say before he popped away. Turning to Dobby, "This is all your fault."

Looking up, he said, "Dobby never talk that way. Winky at fault here. Yoda was always a strange one. Maybe we can have a daughter. She might not be so strange."

Huffing in annoyance, she said, "If so, I get to name her. Yoda? What kind of name was that? That probably was why he was so odd."

xxx000xxx

Many years later

"Mother, two ships landed they have. Wish to go I do."

Shaking her head, "Yaddle is like her brother. Very well, Yaddle can go."

They watched as she popped away and could only wonder where they went wrong.

"Dobby didn't choose the name this time," he defended.

"Winky thinks it's time to leave. Castle keeps on falling apart on this planet, I think we should take the other ship and leave."

xxx000xxx

"Dobby, why are you heading for that black hole in space?"

"Dobby can't control ship with magic anymore. Ship is being pulled into it no matter what Dobby do."

xxx000xxx

Dagobah  
Many, many years earlier

"That was not fun," Winky said as she looked around. "Big hole brought us back here."

"Feels funny," Dobby said. "Time not the same. Well, back to the planet. And I get to name our next one."

"Do not," she argued. "You bad influence."

xxx000xxx

Years later

"Vander, come here," Winky yelled. "Dobby has found a new ship to get us off this planet. I knows that you be like yours brother and sister. We will drop you off on the first planet we find. The others wish to stay here."

"Feels thankful Vander does," the other elf said.

xxx000xxx

Dantooine

"Farewell this be," Vander said to his parents. "Luck I wish you in finding your home."

Dobby and Winky could only cry as they watched one of their children head off towards the nearest city in hopes of being like his elder siblings.

"Can we get home," Winky asked as she blew her nose.

Nodding his head. "Dobby has asked the men in funny robes who act like wizards how to get home. They told Dobby how to. We only be gone from home for several days even."

"Good," she nodded. "Let's go."

xxx000xxx

Earth  
Five days after they left Earth

"Master Harry Potter sir," Dobby said as he popped into the room. "Dobby has done as Master Harry Potter sir says. He has found a way off the planet for him."

Looking at Dobby in shock, he said, "Um, that's nice. How did you do it?"

Beaming. "At first Dobby was confused. The Dobby went to Winky who said what does you do when you need help. That was when Dobby went to the Bushy One."

_Bushy one, _Harry thought to himself. _Oh, Hermione. She'll love that one._

"Bushy one gave Dobby idea how to help Master Harry Potter sir. Dobby and Winky left the planet for many years and only recently came back."

"I…"

"BOY!" Vernon roared from the den. "Get down here now and explain what this thing is outside."

Looking out his window he could only stare in shock as he spotted what could only be a space ship. That or his potion ingredients leaked again and he was suffering another hallucination.

"Dobby, think you want to go back out there again?" Harry asked as he thought how he was going to explain this. Forget the Ministry and Aurors. He was going to have the army after him.

"Yes Master Harry Potter sir. Winky already has gathered everything we need. You can even pick out which planet you wish to live on. They also have wizards out there who let House Elves use magic as they wish."

"Let's go," Harry said as he grabbed his trunk.

xxx000xxx

A/N: Just had this idea and wanted to see where I could take it. I might write some more of it. If I do, next time it will focus more on Harry instead of Dobby.


	5. You killed Santa Clause!

You killed Santa Clause!

Summary: Harry becomes Santa Clause while stuck at the Dursleys. Pairing unknown at the moment.

A/N: This was an idea that I had over Christmas but was not able to write at the time because I became ill. The elves speak correctly in this story because I can't see them doing otherwise. No beta for this one yet.

Elves=House Elves

xxx000xxx

"I'm sorry," Dumbledore sighed as he tried to explain for the third time why the boy sitting in his office needed to return to his relative's house one last time.

"I'm sure you are," Harry muttered. Raising his voice, "It's Christmas for Merlin's sake. Why can't I go with the Weasley's? Or to Grimmauld Place? Or stay here?"

"As I've said before, this is your last year here," Dumbledore said. "Once you graduate, the wards will fall unless they are renewed during holidays."

"What makes you think I care about whether the wards stay up or not?" Harry shot back. Truthfully, he didn't want anything bad to happen to the Dursley's, but he didn't want the old man to know that. He'd spent enough time around them to last three lifetimes. "You think I care about them? They can move somewhere safer for all I care. And while we'll on the subject, why do I need to give you my wand? I'm already 17."

Rubbing his forehead, "Because I want one last time for you to reconcile with your family. That won't happen if you do magic around them. It will only serve to aggravate them."

"I don't care," Harry said as he planned to dig in for a long fight. "I'm not giving up my wand."

"So, you'll agree to go to your relatives?" Dumbledore inquired hopefully.

"Now, hold on for a second. I never agreed to that."

"But you will go, right?"

"With my wand," Harry said as he mentally checked his reservoir of spells. I could always use some them for spell practice.

"Right, with your wand," Dumbledore agreed absently. "And you will stay the entire time."

"What," Harry demanded as he jumped from his seat. "The entire time? No way! I expect to at least visit everyone on Christmas Day."

"I'm sorry to say that the charging of the wards will take the entire holidays."

"Whatever," Harry said as he stood up. "I'll see you after the holidays and you better get me something nice this year."

"Thank you, Harry," Dumbledore smiled. "I'm sure your relatives will enjoy having you back one last time. Merry Christmas."

"Yeah, same to you," Harry grumbled.

xxx000xxx

Hogwarts Express

"Come on, Harry. You can't really mean that," Hermione argued. "Dumbledore has only your best interests in mind. It's not like he is trying to make your life miserable."

"You must be mad," Ron said, aghast. "It's Christmas."

"That's what I said," Harry interrupted.

"He should be with family and friends."

Not to be dissuaded, Hermione continued. "He will be with family. It may not be the family he wants, but its family nevertheless."

"I don't claim them," Harry said. "I don't even like them."

"You should at least try to get along with them," Hermione said. "They might surprise you."

"Yeah, off a cliff," he muttered, "Or into the Thames."

"If they give you any trouble, give us a call," Ron said while shooting a glare at Hermione. "We'll get you out somehow."

Seeing that he couldn't convince his other friend that the Dursleys weren't the ideal family, he decided to read his book for Ancient Runes. He had decided at the end of his fifth year that he wanted to do something over than work for the ministry and the classes he was taking would only hinder him. After McGonagall making sure that he wasn't under any curse; she provided him with the appropriate materials. By the time sixth year came around, he knew enough theory to join the classes and catch up on the practical part.

"Harry, are you listening?" Hermione asked as she shook his shoulder.

"What," he said as he put the book away. "What's wrong?"

"I said that you might want to put everything away because we'll be pulling into the station in a few minutes."

"Thanks," he said as he began to pack away any belongings.

After ensuring the Order that he wouldn't curse the Dursleys; he began his slow stroll towards his 'loving' relatives.

"Boy, I'll not have any funny business while you're with us," Vernon said as soon as he joined them. "The only reason you're here is because of that bumble bee guy."

_Yeah, right. I'm only allowed back to so you won't have to move, _he thought. "Yes, uncle. I'll stay out of your way and you stay out of mine."

"Boy, I'm warning you. You will behave yourself. Marge is coming over and I'll not have a repeat of what happened last time. She still thinks something funny happened."

"Yes, uncle," Harry sighed. _Just make it end, please. Your voice grates on my nerves. And it's not like I'm here by choice._

"Good," Vernon grunted. "We'll be stopping to buy a tree on the way home. You'll stay in the car the entire time. Understood?"

"Sure thing," Harry said. _Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna stay here while you go stomping through the trees._

xxx000xxx

Number 4 Privet Drive  
Surrey, England  
Christmas Eve

"Boy, we're going to a party down the street and expect to be back sometime around eleven," Petunia said as she came down the stairs. "You'll stay in your room until we get back. I don't want you messing with my precious Dudley's presents."

"Yeah, whatever," he said as he looked up from his book. He had plans tonight and there was nothing that they could do to stop him.

After making sure they were gone, he finished packing up the rest of his stuff. First thing he was going to do was head off to the beach somewhere.

Before he could take a step outside the house a voice growled out, "That's far enough, Potter. Dumbledore said you're to stay here and I aim to make sure that you do."

Looking over to the bushes he saw Moody standing their in shadows. "Just going for a walk, Mad-eye. I need to get a few things off my mind."

"Back inside you go, lad. There'll be plenty of time for that after you graduate."

"Bastard," Harry muttered.

"I heard that," Moody growled.

"Can you see this," Harry asked as he flicked him the bird. "Paranoid arse."

xxx000xxx

"Hedwig, this is boring," Harry said as he idly changed the colours of his walls. He found that certain colours do not mix well. "Not only am I stuck here for the holidays, I have a perverted Auror standing guard outside."

"Hoot."

"Yeah, well that's how it goes. How about I let you go out for a bit? Would you like that?"

"Hoot."

"At least one of us gets to go somewhere," he said as he opened the window. "Have fun."

xxx000xxx

Harry was rudely awoken from his dreams when his body decided to take a close inspection of the floor. "Damn," he said as he rubbed his head. "Must've been a bad one to cause me to fall out of bed. I'll have to remember to enlarge the bed next time."

His thoughts were drawn downstairs when he heard whispering from the den. Looking over to the clock he saw that it was two in the morning. _Can't be Vernon and Petunia. They wouldn't stay out this late. And the tub of lard is next door snoring._

Walking down the stairs, he saw a flash of red cloak before it disappeared. _Must be one of the Order getting a cup of tea or something_, he thought. "Might as well go and see if they need anything else."

Opening the door, he saw Dung lying in the bushes asleep. _Okay, maybe it wasn't the Order who was in the house._

Before he could make back inside, he heard a noise on the roof. Looking up, he had to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't still dreaming. _Santa Clause. Santa is on my roof._

As usual, his mouth acted before his brain could stop it. "Hey you, what are you doing up there?

"Uh," the guy in the Santa suit said before turning around. Or least he would have turned around if he hadn't lost his footing and fell off the roof.

After checking the guy for a pulse, he muttered, "Damn, I killed Santa. If this gets out, I won't have to worry about Voldemort killing me."

After thinking about what to do, he said the only thing that came to mind. "I'm screwed. I have no idea what to do."

_Do I hide the body and hope no one finds out? Or maybe contact the authorities. _He laughed at this last one. What was he going to say? Santa fell off my roof.

He was saved from thinking of something to do when a house elf popped in. "What have you done to the Master?"

Blinking at the little guy, he couldn't form a coherent sentence. The elf was wearing a little green outfit with a red hat.

"Gumball asked you what happened to the Master," the little elf said as he looked at him.

The only that came to mind was to say, "I didn't do it. It wasn't my fault, I swear. He fell."

"You are a wizard, yes?" Gumball asked.

"Yes…" Harry said slowly. He didn't like the look the little guy was giving him. "I'm a wizard."

"Good," Gumball said. "Then you get the job."

"Wait," Harry said before the elf could snap his fingers. "What job? And why do I get it?"

"You are the new Santa Clause," the elf said. "The magic has chosen. You have no choice now."

"Like hell I don't," Harry yelled. "There is no way I'm gonna be forced to do something I don't want to do."

"There is no other option," the elf said before snapping his fingers. Harry was soon garbed in an exact replica of the clothes the other mans was wearing. "Now, let's go. We don't have all day to finish this."

"I'm not going," Harry said defiantly. "I'm not playing Santa."

"You won't be playing Santa, you are Santa," Gumball argued. 'Now, you must come with me.

"I know I'm gonna regret this," Harry muttered as he apparated into the sleigh on the roof. "What didn't the other guy apparate away when he fell?" Harry asked as he looked at the sleigh.

"He wasn't a wizard," Gumball said as he readied the sleigh. "The last one who was a wizard was three hundred years ago."

"But I saw him apparate away in the house," Harry argued.

"The role of Santa Clause brings with it a certain amount of power. It only allows for certain things."

"Oh," Harry said. "Do I get to keep my powers?"

"Yes," Gumball said as he took the reins. "You wizarding powers are in addition to your new powers. Now hold on."

xxx000xxx

North Pole

"That wasn't too bad," Harry said as he got out of the sleigh. "I think I can handle coming up here one day a year and delivering presents."

Looking at the new Santa, Gumball said, "This isn't a one day a year job. You now live up here."

"But what about my school?"

"You can still take your exams but this is your new job."

"Can I at least go back and visit?" Harry pleaded.

"Yes, you can visit but you can not bring back anyone except for your intended wife."

"Wife?" Harry asked as he nearly choked on his drink. "What wife?"

"The one you have a year to get," Gumball said as he kept on walking.

"Okay, Harry. Breathe," he said to himself. "You can handle this. It's not like they want to kill you."

"I think I handle all of this," Harry said. "But I have one thing that I will not do. And I mean it. If you don't agree, I will do everything in my power to destroy Christmas."

"What," Gumball said as he stopped in his tracks.

"I will not gain weight just to look the part. From now on, Santa is skinny. Got that?"

"But…"

"No buts," Harry said. "I've agreed to go along with this whole thing but I will not look like Ron will in ten years. Understand me?"

Grumbling about inconsiderate youths, Gumball said, "Yes sir. You can stay skinny."

"Great…"

"Now about your wife."

"Let's not go too fast here," Harry said. "I have a year to find one. And we can deal with this tomorrow. I'm going to bed now."

xxx000xxx

A/N: This one will definitely be given a second chapter. Any idea on who Harry's wife should be? Only a few conditions. NO Ginny. No Hermione. No Luna. Or any Hufflepuff.


	6. The Letter of the Law

The Letter of the Law

Summary: What if the Aurors in the Order took their job a little too seriously? What if Harry killed a Muggle in self defence? What would Harry do in response? A "what if" story.

A/N: I always wondered what would happen if the Aurors in the Order followed the law as it was written. They weren't trying to be bastards, just upholding the law. And in their eyes, Harry was a criminal.

xxx000xxx

Grimmauld Place

"Dumbledore, the boy is coming with us," Shacklebolt said. "He guilty and must face the consequences of his actions."

Looking at the assembled Aurors, he began to think it was a bad idea to bring law enforcement personal into the Order. "I'm sorry," Dumbledore said as he calmly stood up. "I can't allow you to take him."

"But he killed a muggle," Tonks said as she worked herself into a fury. "He…"

"Even if he was guilty, I would not allow you to take him. He is too important to the war effort."

"You're walking a fine line," Moody growled as he stepped forward. "Better be careful or you'll end up crossing it. Now, tell us where you hid him."

"I can't do that," he said as he smiled.

"You can't or you won't?" Shacklebolt asked.

"I can't. I have no clue where he has hidden himself," Dumbledore said. "And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."

"He's either here in this house or at Hogwarts," Moody said as he tried to use his eye again. The old man had warded the house against it. "If we have to, we'll be back with more Aurors to search this place from top to bottom."

"Let's go," Shacklebolt said as he turned towards the door. "We'll not going to get much help here."

xxx000xxx

"Why didn't you tell them where the boy is," Molly ranted. "I'll not have that monster around my children or in my home."

Turning to her, he said, "I didn't tell them because I don't know. I removed the charms on his wand and told him that he would be hunted. That was the last I saw of him. Hopefully he made it out."

"But…"

"And this is not your home," he said. "It belonged to Sirius and now Harry."

"Why are you protecting the boy," Hestia Jones asked. "It's not like he'll be the one to kill He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"I can't go into it," he said again. "Just know that he is important to the war and without him, we'll be looking at a dark future. As for the muggle, it was self defence. I saw it when I looked at his memories. The man attacked him and Harry acted as he thought best. It may not be what I think he should have done but it was his choice."

"Well, you can consider this our resignation from the Order," Molly said as she grabbed her husband. "I will not allow my family to be involved with a murderer. He killed the man and that was wrong of him. Come on children, let's go."

The rest of the Order watched as Molly dragged her family and Hermione towards the floo and ushered them home.

"That wasn't unexpected," Emmeline Vance said sarcastically. "What now?"

"Now we hope that Harry managed to find somewhere safe to hide. He…"

"Dumbledore," Dung rasped out as he stumbled into the room. "They've caught the boy."

xxx000xxx

Ministry of Magic  
Courtroom 9

"Order," Madame Bones called. "This court will come to order."

"Give him to the Dementors!"

"Let the boy go. He didn't do anything wrong."

"Boy did the right thing, filthy things those muggles are."

"Cast…"

"Enough," she yelled. "This room will come to order or I'll have every last one of you all next to him." Once the room calmed down, she said, "We are here for the trial of Harry James Potter, accused of killing a muggle. We…"

She was interrupted as the doors swung open and Dumbledore walked briskly towards the dais. "I believe that it is common practice to have the Chief Warlock in attendance when conducting a trial of such magnitude."

"You weren't alerted because you are too close to the prisoner," Fudge said. "The Wizengamot chose me to fill in for you."

"Nevertheless, the Chief Wizengamot must give his assent before any case can be heard. While they can choose you to fill in for me, they can't give you my powers. And they can't remove me from my position while another matter is at hand. Before I give my assent, I wish to know how and where he was captured."

"You have no right…" Fudge started to say.

"He does have a right, Cornelius," Madame Bones said before turning back to Dumbledore. "He was found trying to leave the country and cross over to Ireland."

Sighing, he said, "Very well, I give my assent. Carry on. I shall provide Mr. Potter's defence."

"Actually, while we can't kick you out of the room, we can restrict you to the public area. Mr. Potter will be provided with a Ministry defender is he wishes one."

"I think I'll take my own chances," he said as he tugged at the chains.

"Very well," Madame Bones said. "How do you plead?"

"Not guilty," he said. "I…"

"Not guilty? You were found at the scene of the crime with the dead muggle. You admitted to the Aurors that you killed him and the only reason you were not brought in then was because of certain people interfering."

"I believe that self defense is a good enough excuse," he said. "The man was trying to kill me. He had a knife and actually managed to cut me."

"Regardless of the fact that he had a knife, you killed a man," Fudge said. "We just can't let you walk the streets like nothing happened. What would the people think?"

"What…" Harry started to say before he stopped.

"Yes," Madame Bones asked. "You were saying?"

Thinking over what Fudge had just said gave him an idea. Dumbledore was the only one in the room that seemed to be on his side for the moment. _But then again, he knows that I'm needed to kill Tom. If I killed Fudge, he'd probably still try and get me off._ "You said that you can't let me walk the streets because you are afraid that I'll kill someone else?"

"Yes," Fudge said in irritation. "We can't have you killing everyone who throws a curse at you."

"What if I left the country and swore to never set foot on British soil ever again?" Harry asked. "You'd never have to deal with me again. Never have to worry about me stealing your office. You could remain safe in the knowledge that you are the Minister."

"You'd do that," Fudge said as he perked up. "You would leave and never come back?"

"Yes," Harry said. "But I get my wand and everything else that belongs to me."

"Deal," Fudge said as he tried to control himself. This was exactly what he'd been trying to do for the past few years. With him gone, he'd be safe. Dumbledore would no longer have a poster boy to stand behind.

"Minister," Madame Bones said. "Don't you think that we need to think about this for a minute? We…"

"No," he hastily said. "He has agreed to leave and who are we to stop him. Though we will not have him swear an oath. We'll have Weatherby draw up a contract. That way there'll be no way he can change the wording of it. Auror Tonks, get Mr. Potter's wand and belongings. He'll not be here much longer."

"But sir," she started to protest.

"Do it," he said as he started to turn red. "Do I need to remind you that you work for the Ministry?"

"Sorry sir," she said. "I'll get right on it."

xxx000xxx

"Mr. Potter, you are herby exiled from Britain," Fudge said as soon as Harry signed the contract. You have six hours to get your affairs in order before the contract takes effect. In six hours you will be magically transported out of the country, no matter the state of your affairs. Am I understood?"

"Perfectly," Harry said as he smiled.

"Auror Tonks, give Mr. Potter his stuff."

As she handed his wand to him, she leaned in and whispered, "You think you're going to get off this easy, Potter? You've got another thing coming. The other Aurors agree with me and we will find a way to make you pay for your crimes."

Smiling, he said, "What makes you think I haven't thought of this? You think I'm gonna walk out of here without a plan? Stick around and see my press conference. Five hours from now in front of Gringotts."

xxx000xxx

Gringotts

"Is Potter here yet," a reporter asked one of the goblin guards. "He said he was going to give a press conference."

"Gringotts affairs are strictly private," the guard snarled. "I can't answer your question."

Before the reporter could annoy the guard any more, the door opened and Harry walked out.

"What is you're here for," one asked.

"Is it true that you're leaving," cried another voice. "Where will you go?"

"Yes, it's true," Harry said as soon as they stopped talking. "I'm leaving and never setting foot here again."

"Is that all you have to say Potter," a voice growled from the side. "We could've told them that."

Looking over, Harry was pleased to see Mad-eye with the rest of the Aurors in the Order. "I came to tell you all something very important to you all. It no longer matters to me so I see no reason to keep it hidden."

"What is it," the report from the Daily Prophet yelled.

Smiling, he said, "I came to let you all know that you can handle Voldemort on your own. I'm no longer going to worry about what he does here and who he does it to. If I have any friends left here, I'm advising them to do the same as I am. Leave and never come back. If you wish, look me up. You'll more than likely be able to find me on a beach somewhere."

"Maybe Snape was right," Shacklebolt said. "Your arrogance knows no bounds."

"Arrogance?" he asked as he laughed. "It's the truth. Ask Dumbledore. He heard the prophecy stating that I was the only one able to kill Voldemort."

"What?" Tonks asked as she began to pale. The ramifications of her actions were starting to come together now.

"You hear that, Tom," Harry yelled. "You can have the lot of 'em."

"Wait," a witch cried as she grasped her daughter to her. "You can't leave us."

"See ya all later," he said as he waved. "Or maybe I won't be."

xxx000xxx

"Where are you going," Fudge demanded as he spotted Dumbledore walking away. "How are we going to get him back?"

"Get him back?" Dumbledore asked. "I believe that he is no longer allowed to set foot on British soil."

"Weatherby, find a way to reverse the contract. Do it now."

"Yes, sir," Percy said as he apparated away.

"What are we going to do," Fudge said as he looked around. "I'm finished."

"I don't know about you but I'm going to lock my school down," Dumbledore said. "As for Harry, I don't see where that is my concern anymore. Your foolish actions have stopped any chance of Harry saving us." With that Dumbledore apparated away.

xxx000xxx

A/N: There will be another part to this one when I get around to it. I have lots of these little ideas that I'm gonna write one shots to.


	7. Dead Again?

Dead Again?

Summary: Harry has died…again…and has been told that if he dies one more time, he will not like the consequences. Harry/Lavender.

A/N: This is not to be taken serious. It's just some idea that I had and needed to get it out. I know it sounds like one of those corny sci-fi/horror movies from the 80's and 90's. But I loved those and still do. I will have more on it, maybe one or two more chapters.

A/N 2: And I know the dialogue is kind of corny also. It's not meant to be taken serious either. Plus, it didn't help that I wrote this at midnight. I'll tough up later, if I ever expand on it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything else but the plot. I'm sure of that due to the fact that I've not read anything like.

000

Void

"Welcome to the afterlife," a dark cloaked figure said. And said much softer, "Again."

"Uh," Harry said as he scratched his head. "Thanks. Now would you mind clarify that a bit. The last thing I remember was those blonde twins. Now, they were hot. Bambi was the one who did that thing with her tongue, I think. Or was that Candy? Anyway, it doesn't matter which one. That thing rocked my world."

"I'm sure it did," the figure said. "Now that we have that out of the way, I need to tell…"

"Wait a minute," Harry said. "What did you mean when you said again?"

"What did you mean," Harry said, twitching. "How many times?"

"Well," the dark cloaked figured started. "It's like this. There was…"

"How many times have I died," Harry said louder. "Tell me now!"

"Ok, don't have a conniption."

"I'm warning you," Harry said as he stepped closer. "I'm already dead. Not much more could happen to me."

"I wouldn't be too sure of that," the figure said. "Now, let me introduce myself. I'm Fate."

"Wait," Harry said, putting up his hands. "Fate? As in the fate of mankind? That kind of fate?"

"If you must put it that way," Fate said. "Now, you've been given a mission to complete on Earth. A mission that you've failed eight times already."

"Eight?"

"Yes, eight. Now stop interrupting."

"Ok," Harry said.

"You failed eight times already. I do believe that this time you died was one of your most interesting. The bed was knocking the wall so hard that it caused the ceiling to cave in."

"Wait, are Candy and Bambi here also?"

"Will you forget those two morons," Fate sighed. "Of all the ways to die…"

"But it was fun," Harry said, smiling.

"Quite. At least it was better than the time you walked in front of the bus after getting drunk. Or that time that the unicorn mauled you. Speaking of that, what were you thinking?"

"Not sure what you are talking about," Harry said. "I don't remember that."

"Here," Fate said as he tapped Harry's head. "This should help you."

"Oh," Harry said as he got a stupid grin on his face. "I remember that. I did that on a dare. This girl told me that I could have her if I was able to find out if the unicorn was male or female."

Slapping his face, Fate said, "Is that all you think about? Girls? Every time you die, a girl is somehow mixed in there.

"Well, you keep on sending me back," Harry protested. "So it's partly your fault."

"Enough," Fate said. "I'm sending you back this time with all your memories intact. If you die this time without completing your mission, I'll send you back the next time as a celibate monk. Then once you finally die at the age of ninety-nine, you will be sent back to complete the mission. How would you like that? An entire lifetime of no women."

"That sounds bad," Harry said, turning pale. "Very bad."

"So, are we going to complete our mission this time," Fate asked.

"Yes," Harry said, nodding his head furiously.

"Good," Fate said, smiling. After all, he was growing tired of rewinding time again and again.

000

Privet Drive

"Harry, would you please come down here," Petunia called. "You've got company."

Walking down the stairs, Harry could only smile as he thought back onto how he scared his relatives into doing as he said. It was relatively easy once he stole the wand from a wizard who approached him on the street. The wand wasn't that good of a match with his core, but it did the job.

Entering the living room, he had to catch himself as he felt a body latch onto his. A female body. "Happy birthday," she said as she wrapped her legs around his waist. "How does it feel to be seventeen?"

"It's great since you are here," Harry said, smiling.

Turning to the Dursleys, he said, "Family, this is Lavender. Lavender, this is the family. If they give you any problems, just curse them."

"I'm so glad that we can let everyone know," she said, giggling. "It's so hard to not stare at you at school."

"I know how you feel," he said. "But I've already told you…"

"Yes," she interrupted. "You told me all about that Fate guy and how you would have to be a monk or something."

"Exactly," he said. "I don't want that. And there is a chance that I would be killed if anyone found out that I didn't like Ginny. They all still think that I'm under that love potion."

"Can I be the one to tell them," she said, smiling. "I want to see that smug look knocked off her face once she sees the two of us together. And I want to see it when she finds out that I've already had my wicked ways with you."

"Sure," he said. "Since I'm now seventeen, I can legally do as I please. No guardians, magical or muggle, telling me what to do. I can finally tell Dumbledore to go to hell."

"Are you finally going to kill Voldemort," she asked. "Because I want to get married this year and you told me that I had to wait until after you killed him."

"Yeah, he's going to die this year," Harry said. "I've gone over everything I know from this lifetime and the others. I've come up with a plan that will end his life for good."

000

Hogwarts

"Welcome to another year," Dumbledore said as he stood before the Hogwarts student body. "The Minister has asked that we host another ball this year. This will be for the upper years to mingle with prospective employers in the Ministry. I hope you take this chance to and use it wisely. It's…"

Whatever he was about to say was cut off as the doors opened. "Sorry," Harry said as he closed the doors. "We got lost in the forest on the way up from the station."

It was then that the attention of everyone in the school was drawn to his companion. "Hi," Lavender said, waving.

"Mr. Potter, the carriages do not leave the path. How did you get lost?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well, we didn't take a carriage," he said while picking a leaf from Lavenders hair. "We walked through the forest."

"Indeed," Dumbledore said. "I was just telling your classmates that we will be holding a ball this year."

"Great," Harry said. "I'm sure Lavender will love it."

"But you like me," Ginny said. "And she's nothing but a bimbo."

Laughing, "I've never liked you Ginny. I know all about your mother's idea to drug me and take my money. How the Weasleys would finally be able to return to pureblood society. It's kind of funny that you thought it would work. What did you think this was? Some kind of trashy romance novel?"

"Ginny," Lavender called out. "I know you'll never know what it's like, but Harry is great in the sack."

"Why you…"

"Ginny," Hermione called out as she pulled Ginny's wand down. "You could get expelled."

"But…"

"I know how you feel," Hermione said. "We can deal with this later."

All eyes in the Great Hall followed Harry and Lavender as they walked towards the Gryffindor table and proceeded to climb under it.

"Damn, he is lucky," Seamus said.

000

The end

000


End file.
